Just so we're clear here....

"Thanksgiving" by Norman Rockwell
first published as cover of The Literary Digest
November 22, 1919

There is NO such thing as "healthy, low-fat Thanksgiving dinner."   Wait... I take that back... you can have a healthy Thanksgiving by taking all the necessary sanitation precautions of refrigeration, separate surfaces for meat and veggie food preparation and making sure all food is cooked to proper temperature.  You know, so that no one dies of ptomaine poisoning or salmonella.  Guests appreciate that kind of healthy cooking.  What they don't appreciate is your decision to cook everything vegan, because "we've been eating a lot of meat lately, and we thought we'd try something new."  Don't. Don't try something new.  Not for Thanksgiving.

If you're not up to making dinner, don't make dinner. Let's all go to the Smokehouse in Burbank -- they serve a killer-ass traditional Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. While the rest of us are happily engaged in the consumption of buttery mashed potatoes and savory walnut stuffing,  you can indulge your desire to experiment with a meat-free holiday all you want by ordering a salad.  We'll try not to rub it in.

But if you're in charge of my holiday menu -- as you must be if you've agreed to host it -- you'd better get pretty damn traditional, pretty damn quick.

And another thing -- while we're on the topic... What's up with the nouvelle Thanksgiving cooking? If I find a Vietnamese water chestnut within 200 yards of my Thanksgiving dinner, I'm calling Paula Deen, and SOMEBODY'S gonna get a stern talking to. My daughter still relates the story of how she attended Thanksgiving at her cousin's house. It was the first year the cousin and her husband hosted a holiday dinner for the whole family. They decided they were going to introduce the family to all kinds of new ethnically and culturally diverse recipes, few of which resembled anything traditionally associated with Thanksgiving. I guess they wanted to broaden the family's culinary horizons. It was the last holiday dinner my daughter (or, I believe, her father) attended at their house.  So the first holiday dinner quietly became the last. Sad, too, since, had she just been hosting a dinner party, her dishes might have been wildly popular. They sounded tasty when my daughter described them. Just not very in keeping with the season. When it comes to holidays, particularly Thanksgiving, people don't want new and exciting.  They want old and familiar.

Don't misunderstand -- I think serving new side dishes for Thanksgiving is a wonderful thing.  I myself have toyed with the idea of bringing some maple-soaked roasted butternut squash to the festivities, just because we've never had it, and it might be a tasty treat.  But maple and butternut squash are not exactly exotic flavors where Thanksgiving is concerned. And my holiday hostess is supplying our traditional family favorites -- including a green bean casserole concoction we got tired of referring to as "the green bean thingy" and finally dubbed "Cyril" -- in addition to new and different things.  Why? Because she's been at this for a lot of years. She knows what makes it feel like Thanksgiving.  It's the company, yes. But it's also the food. The familiar smells and tastes of food you only eat once a year.  Do you know how many roast turkeys I've had in my life? I'd tell you, but then you'd be able to guess my exact age, because I've had approximately one a year since I was two.  Now, ask me how many times this week I've eaten sushi.  Get my point?  Good.

So, the next time you're tempted to "help" your guests by foregoing traditional stuffing because "carbs are just so fattening," call us all up and tell us not to come over. Tell us you've lost your mind this year, and we'll all be eating at the Smokehouse for Thanksgiving.  That way, we won't have to hate you, and say "no, thank you" to your holiday invitations for the next twenty years.

Feed me new and interesting foods any other time of the year. On the fourth thursday of November, we'll brook none of your shenanigans.

~C~